The Dancing Issue

I’ve never been a dancer. I’m one of those guys you see standing at the back or the side of a dance-floor concentrating harder on drinking or (at undergrad when it was allowed) smoking, possibly allowing myself a gentle head-bob to a particularly rousing anthem while all the social bonding takes place around me. If ever I feel brave/drunk enough to venture into the sweating masses, my limbs suddenly act as though I picked them up from lost and found on the way in, like the ill-fitting PE kit you had to borrow at school if you forgot your own.

I have managed, in the spirit of new beginnings, to appropriate some semblance of acceptability in the dancing department since returning to university. I’m not saying I’m Prince now or anything, but I haven’t been shame walked out of any clubs, and people don’t clear away from my vicinity (apart from one time I got a bit over-excited in a mosh pit but I think that’s just winning). So here are my top tips for getting by without ruining anyone’s night:

Look around you

If you’re not a natural dancer, the chances are you’re not much of a choreographer either, so why try to invent something of your own? Just look around for someone who is holding their own and copy what they’re doing. Don’t be too ambitious (no head-spins or slut-drops) and pick someone standing at least a few people away to avoid awkwardness or confrontation.

Keep a drink in your hand

This removes one limb from the equation, giving you less to concentrate on. You can also maintain your dutch courage effectively. If you are drinking from a can so no one can see how much is left it doesn’t even matter if you run out. Keep it like a little prop, or a comfort blanket until you feel confident enough to take off the stabilisers. I would advise against holding a drink in each hand as it may encourage superfluous foot movement.

Avoid moving your feet too much

You don’t want to look like you’re a tree swaying in the breeze, but a surefire way to give the game away is with excessive foot movement. This is for more advanced, participants only. You also lessen your odds of an embarrassing trip to the ground should you have become too dutch courageous.

Once you have a few moves in your repertoire you may find you start enjoying yourself. Don’t worry if this happens, it’s perfectly normal, you’ve not necessarily been spiked. This is the time you can start adding more ambitious movements to the mix, but remember to build up slowly!

I’ve also witnessed some moves that I wouldn’t necessarily recommend for general public use…

The Hucknall Shark Attack


I don’t condone this one in any way, even though it ticks several boxes. The feet are barely moving, the left hand cradles a drink, it’s not overly ambitious, but it is also utterly repellant.

The Perpetual Beard Point


Not a great one on paper, but it really suits the guy I saw using it. Ticks the boxes on ambition and feet movement again, but not overly stylish.

So Everyone Knows What’s Up


This is just hilarious. One night in a dirty club and my flat mate decides she’s an OG. Don’t do it kids, gun crime should not be venerated!

Things I learned this week…

  • Hickies are still apparently a thing in certain circles, but are embarrassing.
  • I still have no awareness of deadlines.   

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